A New Direction

Well, it seems that I am not really any good as a mental health issue blogger. When things are bad, new or happening, then I seem to be able to write about it. When things are back to "normal", not so much. But, I do still like to write about things pertaining to, well, let's just call it "life in general".

So, stay tuned. I'm going to attempt to post more often, and expect to find several book reviews and movie reviews coming up. One thing I've noticed since our detour into mental health/illness (and I say "our" because I feel like when it's someone in your immediate family, then you are most definitely involved) is that I'm now reading books and seeing the behavioral topics in a whole new light. And movies too. Even tv shows that aren't screaming out about mental illness. Criminal Minds that leaves you out.  Every episode is blatantly about mental illness, so nothing new there. I do watch lots of Criminal Minds reruns though. At least the ones that aren't way, way, WAY disturbing.

Oops, kinda got wordy there, but my point is that having family members with mental illnesses makes me see everything with that kind of slant. Let's just see what happens.

Also, if you're one of my 2 or 3 readers, pop in now and then with a comment and let me know you're out there! I love comments! So don't be shy. And click over there and follow so I know who you are.

And one last thing, I'm going back to my real name. Sure, Jenna is a great name, but it was the name of our dog, and frankly, I'm moving on from that persona.

Oh, and one more last thing. I'm going to continue to illustrate the posts when I think of it, but I'm not going to obsess over it.

I'll be back soon!
                        ~Ellen

All is Well

(For Diva Challenge #33)

OK, now that the artsy stuff is out of the way, back to the post title. I haven't been posting much, and maybe it seems not as necessary to write when things are going well. And on all fronts (knock on wood).

On News From My Brother Front: Well, I'm holding my breath (and I haven't talked to my mom this week), but he seems to be improving. He has been in the state mental hospital since July 5, and while he was initially admitted onto the highest level of severity (I guess that's what you would call it) where they are simply trying to stabilize the patients, and no real therapy is done, he has moved up a couple of levels now. He has a new pair of glasses now, so he can finally see. And he is attending Anger Management groups. Possibly some other groups now, but like I said, I haven't heard any news from this week. I hope that he continues to improve and can stop this cycle of hospital admissions (13 since last December).

On News from the Brian Front: The summer definitely got off to a rocky start, and he weathered what would have been "L"'s 21st birthday pretty well. He's now deep into the process of entering the university world again. Classes start 2 weeks from now, and we still have paperwork to complete. I say "we", but I'm trying to get him to take care of most of it. Just little things like getting his health form signed, filling out the disability paperwork, paying the tuition (oops, guess we're doing that part).

The only snafu that has happened is his housing. Even though he is transferring in as a junior, somehow the Housing office had him classified as a freshman. You guessed it! He's in a freshman dorm. He has contacted housing, and they are now aware of his situation, but unfortunately there is a waiting list for upper class dorms. The housing woman felt certain he would get in an upper class dorm before school started (or shortly thereafter). While initially upset, he is fine with the situation now, and has a great attitude.

He actually has a great attitude about the whole thing. I think living at home with mom and dad for the past 10 months, albeit in the throes of a bipolar episodes (both manic and depressed) when he first arrived. Still when you're 20-21, you would really much rather be somewhere else. And that's about it. Lots of little details to sort out, but 2 weeks from today he will be moving into a dorm... of some sort.

Nervously excited,

RIP Amy Winehouse

Worry vs. Anxiety

I've been thinking a lot about the distinction between simply worrying and having anxiety, but in truth, linguistically speaking, they aren't that different in meaning. But in my mind, having a healthy concern for someone or a situation can be worlds apart from full blown anxiety. And, of course, everyone has a different propensity for worry/anxiety.

It's pretty well known, in my immediate family at least, that I am prone to be a worrier, and at times my worrying becomes, well, a more worrisome anxiety. And for me, having relatives dealing with mental illnesses, especially my son, my worrying has really been put to the test. One of the reasons for writing this blog, besides having family members be able to keep up with what's happening in an anonymous sort of way, is to explore how mental illness affects the whole family.

So, how have I dealt with this anxiety? I've seen my family doctor twice, and he has prescribed Xanax, which I only take in extremely anxiety producing times. I've been pretty successful in really only taking them as needed since becoming addicted to it is extremely easy, and that is worrying. He also prescribed an SSRI, which didn't seem effective, and the possibility of gaining weight was also worrying. I weaned off of it, and in hindsight, it did have a very subtle effect.

The second time I saw him, he went with Wellbutrin and it's just too soon to tell. Wellbutrin can help with focus among other things, and I do feel more able to stay on task, and a bit less distracted.

Psychcentral.com has excellent articles on anxiety, and even has an Anxiety Screening quiz which I took. My results indicated that I have mild to little anxiety. Excellent. Of course, that doesn't mean that I don't still worry and get anxious. When I told Brian the results, he said, "Good. I guess you just Momxiety."

That made me feel better. At least for now.

This, by the way, is the opposite of anxiety:

Trying to relax,

Sunday's Song

Slowly, slowly, I am returning to this blog.

The Diva Challenge Returns

As a break from the sad and depressing, I love to zentangle, and then share them here. I'm just really getting started, and love a challenge, hence participating in Diva challenge (you can see the link to it on my new Participating page). I've missed more than several weeks, but this seems like a good time to get back into it. In October, I'm heading to Providence, RI for a Zentangle seminar, so when I come back from that I'll be an expert. Hah! At the very least, I'll be able to explain what zentangle is more clearly to those who have never heard of it.

So, here's challenge #30:

 Is it weird that I like it better on the computer screen than on paper? Well, I do.

For a Change of Pace,

What Do You Say?

I've  tried writing this post day after day, and then week after week. I guess the best way to say what happened for me to stop writing so suddenly is to just tell the story.

On Monday, May 30, Brian's girlfriend committed suicide. No easy way to hear that news. She was a beautiful 20 year old young woman who had been diagnosed with bipolar I the preceding December. She had been hospitalized twice, once in November, and then once in December which is when and where she met Brian. She participated in about a week of outpatient treatment at the end of December, and then was to start a new semester in January at a local university, but withdrew about 2 days into the semester.

In late February she told her mother she was suicidal, and her parents took her to psychiatrists, and therapists, and she had 2 weeks of outpatient treatment through her HMO. I'm telling you this completely from my perspective and what I know, as I don't want to presume any of Brian's feelings about it.

I've gone back and forth about what I want to say about suicide, which actually is quite a lot. For now, though, I'll stick to "L"'s story.

Anyway, she didn't think too much about her outpatient therapy program, and from what I know, she continued to see doctors and therapists, and was prescribed medication. I know from Brian that once she stopped taking the meds because she didn't think they were working, and she didn't like the side effects, but she did start taking them again. From Brian I also know that they just couldn't find the right combination of meds to make her feel more stable, and she was quite depressed about the amount of weight she had gained.

In mid-April she and Brian both found part-time jobs at the same place, and worked together or on overlapping shifts almost every day. She was able to go to work most days, though sometimes felt too sick to go in. The week before she died, Brian saw her everyday, and he felt like she seemed pretty happy. Perhaps she had already decided on her suicide plan.

He didn't see her at all on the weekend, which was unusual, but Sunday she told him she thought she had the flu. Could he have talked her out of her plan if he had seen her in person? No one will ever know the answer to that question, and thankfully Brian doesn't feel like there was anything he could have done anyway. I am only speculating on the rest of the timeline, but she did overdose on her prescription meds sometime Sunday night/Monday morning. Her mother called Brian about noon on Monday.

Her parents had a service at their house on the following Thursday, June 2. It was a beautiful service, but the likes of which I hope never to have to attend again.

I think I'll stop there. I have posted a link over on the right from the Metanoia website that you should read if you are feeling suicidal.