Curves

The challenge of life is really that you're never walking down a straight path, but trying to follow the curves that it throws you. There are happy curves, and horrible, scary curves. The art above is The Diva Challenge #15, but my life right now does feel like it's on a curvy roller coaster, so it feels so appropriate.

As a mom with a bipolar child, but not really a child but an almost 21 year old, the path is not only curvy, but rocky. I've recently been accused of micromanaging, which goes right along with the control freak accusation. I suppose if the shoe fits...

Anyway, I'm trying to do my best imitation of backing off, because any control that I might feel like I have is just an illusion anyway. And I'm just going to have to get used to the reality that this particular path is not that well lit. If this all sounds like doom and gloom, I apologize. There definitely is hope, and I just need to relax and know that someone else is driving on this path right now.

Trying to Let Go,

Brontophobia

This time it's not the humans in my life that have issues, but the dog. Specifically, this dog:

He doesn't look particularly troubled in the picture, but at about 5 o'clock this morning, with loud thunder clapping all around the house, it was a different story.

Did you know that brontophobia is the fear of thunder? Apparently there are several other names for it as well, but this one was the easiest to spell, and today I'm going for easy. Danny is not alone. He has lots of other canine pals that are also scared of thunder, but he's the one pacing the floor in our house. Or hiding under the bed. Or looking for me.

Ordinarily, he sleeps on Brian's bed, but thunder brings out the baby in him, and he comes looking for mom. During several recent early morning storms, he has slept next to my bed, under my bed, and, this morning, in my bed, snuggled up next to me on my pillow. Basically sleeping on my head. And he snores. It was a veritable indoor thunder session with all the snoring going on.

Anyway, all the sleep disruption, and noise has left me a little grouchy, and realizing that pretty much everyone in my family has some "issues."

Book Review -- Brilliant Madness: Living with Manic Depressive Illness

When faced with illness of any sort, John & I often turn to books, and the internet as a means of educating ourselves. Interestingly, he turns to the "fact" books, and I tend more toward the human interest types of books, and A Brilliant Madness was one of the first I turned to.

Written by actress Patty Duke and Gloria Hochman, this tells the story of Patty Duke's struggle with mental illness. The chapters are alternately written by Ms. Duke, telling the story in her words, and then Ms. Hochman explaining the facts and treatments of manic depressive illness.

Why did I choose this one first, and what did I think? Well, I chose it, I think, because after my brother was diagnosed as bipolar in 1991, my mother started learning more about this disease. Patty Duke was one of the first celebrities that I had ever heard also being bipolar, and she has been quite outspoken about it since her diagnosis in 1982. When my brother was diagnosed, I did contemplate learning more about it then, but my plate was full, or so I thought, and I left it up to my mom to handle things.

So, is it a useful book to read? Yes, and no. For me, it was heartbreaking to read how she struggled for many years with depression, wild manic episodes and multiple suicide threats and attempts. But it was also reassuring in that as bad as it had been for her, now that she had a diagnosis and a treatment plan, life could go on in a more or less normal fashion. Originally written in 1992, the chapters on the illness itself were interesting, but now, in 2011, I found much of the information to be outdated, and I found myself skimming those chapters.

"There comes a point where the mental illness has to stop being the focus of your life. Once you are treated, your world is no longer about depression or mania. It is about living your life -- making a nice dinner, reading a book, or writing one, going to a PTA meeting, and feeling comfortable about it. It's no longer thinking of yourself as a "patient." But you still have to deal with reality. And reality is hard."

Patty Duke, A Brilliant Madness: Living with Manic Depressive Illness,  p. 291.

We're not at that point yet, but there is hope.

 

Sunday's Song

Enjoy,

Support

Challenge #14, I Walk the Line

This week's Walk the Line Diva Challenge really fits in well with the topic of support and support groups. And I'm talking about support for the caregivers, especially, because it does feel sometimes like you're all alone. Presumably, your loved one is getting the support he or she needs in treatment programs, counseling, or with a psychiatrist. Well, that's not entirely true, because sometimes we can't convince our loved one that something is wrong that they even need support for.

I think we all need support. The sufferers of mental illness and their loved ones and caregivers. [Well, I think everyone could benefit from a little therapy, but that's a topic for another post.]

I've participated in 3 support groups. The first one I attended was a Survivors of Suicide group that I found some time after my father had committed suicide in January of 1991. I can't remember how soon after it happened that I found this group, but I had tried a couple of therapists, without any success in dealing with my anger and grief. Probably because I'm really good at the "nothing's really wrong... I'm fine" way of dealing with things. In the group though, I discovered it much easier to talk about my feelings or even just feel my feelings after hearing others do the same.

Now, I'm currently attending two different groups, though the first is not really a support group, per se, but a class to educate the members of the group about mental illness. The is a course sponsored by NAMI, and is the Family to Family Education program which lasts 12 weeks. This weekend will be our last class, and I'll be sorry to see it end, but feel like we made a connection with at least one of the families and I hope that we'll be able to keep in touch.

Finally, we're attending a group called the Support, Training and Education Program (STEP), held at the facility where Brian is currently receiving treatment. This is a 2 hour weekly meeting, with the first hour dedicated to a speaker or some kind of specific topic, and the second hour is support. The majority of the participants have a loved one at the facility, but not always. This group has been invaluable to our own self care, and we have at least tried out many of the suggestions we've learned about on those evenings.

Mental illness sufferers do have community support groups, and Brian attends one that meets bimonthly. He doesn't say much about it, but I'm glad that he is going. Not all groups are created equal, of course, so finding one that works for you is important, but they are definitely a useful tool in your coping skills toolbox.

Holding out a hand,

Mental Illness and the Elderly

I confess that I don't really know that much about this topic, but I was having lunch with a good friend today that is dealing with multiple health issues with her elderly parents, and so it's on my mind. Certainly I know that many elderly suffer from depression. I suspect that there are also many elderly folks out there who were just never diagnosed with a mental illness when they were younger, but they suffer from one nevertheless. I suppose if they made it to old age with an undiagnosed mental illness that's a feat in itself.

What about some of the other afflictions of the elderly? Dementia, senility, Alzheimer's...  They are brain disorders, but do they constitute a mental illness? Are they spelled out in the DSM-IV (the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual)? After a very quick perusal of this page, it doesn't look like it. I'm really kind of rambling here, and I am NOT an expert of any kind, but I do find it interesting. Some of the difficulties that my friend is facing seem similar to difficulties people face in dealing with mental illness, and in fact, she herself is suffering from a high level of stress and anxiety.

Anyway, these are some of the random things I was thinking about after my lunch with her today. We did go visit University C last Saturday, and I'll post an update soon, but I have a feeling the news is positive on this front.

Rambling,

Spring

No matter how long the winter, spring is sure to follow.  ~Proverb

Warmly,

College When You Are Bipolar

Is it even possible? [If you want the short version of this post, jump down to the next to last paragraph.]

If you read the post What do I have?, then you know a little about Brian's freshman year. Not a great year, academically, but in the scheme of things, not so bad either. He weathered a few storms, maintained a long distance relationship with his high school girlfriend, and made some friends. I'll write more about his sophomore year in another post, but suffice it to say that he completed his sophomore year with much better grades. A few bumps along the way, but nothing we felt was unusual, so we'll call that one a success, at least for now.

So now we're to the start of the junior year, where he headed back to school with a "secret plan" (his words). Again, the short story is that this time things did not go so well, and he ended up withdrawing in mid-October of last year, and moving back home. Let's just say that things went from bad to worse, and he is currently in a treatment facility as an Intensive Out-Patient (IOP).

We're to the point in his treatment where they have been talking future for at least 2 or 3 weeks. Everyone, including Brian, wants him to get a job. Not so easy in this economy, but he's trolling Craig's List and sending out resumes. And then there is the issue of completing his degree.

Initially, Brian was hellbent on returning to what I will call University A. His GPA puts him just under the minimum requirements that many (most?) universities have, and then there is a pesky social probation that he is currently serving. After being rejected from University B just 2 days before his psychotic break and hospitalization, he felt like his choices were extremely limited. Never mind that University A is highly competitive, and a pressure cooker in terms of academics, especially in Brian's major of Mechanical Engineering.

Recently, however, the option of a University C has cropped up, and after a call to admissions, I discovered that his GPA is not really a problem. It's only 2 hours from home, so geographically it is more desirable in terms of home support.

If you got this far, then the short story is that tomorrow, we're headed down to visit University C for a tour. I'm really proud of Brian for at least keeping an open mind about making a change when lately his life has really been nothing BUT change.

What I'd love to know from readers is... Is it possible to earn a college degree after being diagnosed with a major mental illness, bipolar I specifically? What do/did you need to do and expect as the student? And, boldly, I ask... can I interview you for the blog?

Wish Us Luck,

Weekly Challenge #13

Life certainly is a challenge, isn't it? I mean, is there anything that isn't a challenge? Sometimes just getting out of bed or figuring out why your phone alarm is only vibrating instead of making the usual chiming noise can be challenges.

Mental illness is undoubtedly a challenge, both for those afflicted and those who love them. Yet, I'm adding a challenge to my life, and this one will be fun. It's a weekly Zentangle challenge, and I'm jumping in on week #13. What an introduction to the other wonderful artists! This week's is to create a "tile" or art created solely with your non-dominant hand. I am strongly right-handed, so this proved to be really hard. I couldn't even uncap the pen with my left hand. It just felt so awkward.

Well, except for the uncapping the pen issue, and drawing the "dots" (the 4 corners of the "tile"), I did it all with my left hand. I've named this one "Lefty Out", but it does kind of remind me of a farting tiger. Yeah. I'm looking forward to redeeming myself next week, but until then...

Lefty Out,

WHAT do I have?

When you head to the hospital with an illness, mental OR physical, you know that something is wrong, and you just want to know what and have it fixed. Chest pains, or hearing voices, you and your loved ones want to know. But here's the thing about illnesses. Sometimes the doctors just don't know. In the case of mental illness, where the symptoms come and go, and overlap, and the doctors are relying on the patient to accurately describe their symptoms and history, well, the diagnosis is difficult if not impossible. Yet they guess. The psychiatrists making their once a day rounds briefly observe a patient, then a nurse or case manager may report some observations, and boom! They prescribe medication, or a cocktail of medications, and head back to their offices.

Admittedly, and fortunately I might add, Brian has only gone through one hospitalization, so these are my observations based on just that one experience. Your experiences may be different. We're learning that many psychiatric patients go years before getting a correct diagnosis, and take untold amounts of drugs that may or may not really be helpful.

While his first hospitalization was December 17, 2010, it's possible that his symptoms began appearing as early as late 2008. Maybe even earlier. By the spring of 2009, his freshman spring semester, he knew something was not quite right, and began researching his symptoms on webMD. He came to his father and I, and told us he thought he might have ADHD. We had him tested by a psychologist in the city where his university was, and he asked him about his family history, and if he had had any symptoms of mania, because some the ADHD symptoms are similar to manic symptoms. Brian said no, a diagnosis of ADHD was made, and while it was too late to save his spring semester from disaster, during the summer we hired an ADHD coach, and he began to take Vyvanse.

To be continued...

Wondering,

It's Not All Serious

If you think that every post is going to be serious and depressing, then you're crazy. Oops, was that insensitive? The crazy word? I apologize to anyone that may be offended, but around here we try to have a sense of humor about things. Yeah, there are some things I'm just not ready to laugh about, but maybe in time.

I want to share a word about the artwork that may accompany each post. I say may because a girl likes to change it up sometimes. So far, I'm the only contributor to the artwork and these drawing are zentangles or at least zentangle inspired art (ZIA). I am a newbie when it comes to zentangling, but I am hooked. Anyone can do it. You don't have to be an "artist", and if you're a doodler, then it should really come naturally. It's kind of like mindful doodling.

I used the book, Totally Tangled, by Sandy Steen Bartholomew to get started.

Check it out! It's very therapeutic!

Happy Tangling,

Coping

A crisis arises, and you deal with it. What happens after the crisis is no longer acute, but the aftereffects remain? That's when you must figure out how to cope. I know that everyone copes with things differently, but it can still come as quite a shock that your family members don't do things the way you do, or the way you expect them to. Nevertheless, there were some common things that we turned to initially. By we, I mean, husband John and myself.

The first thing we did, was turn to books. OK, that's not entirely true. John wanted to make sure we had a diagnosis for Brian before he started investing. You know, he wanted the right subject to be concentrating on. And also, Brian's hospitalization was a week before Christmas, so we tried to muster up as much holiday spirit as we could, giving it until the new year to let it all sink in, and then we could start fresh.

If that sounds like we were all together, coping well, like one big happy family, that would not quite be accurate, but in our family we do seem to have a lock on putting on a good face. The bottom line though, in the back of our minds through the holidays, was that we must educate ourselves as much as we can, and get Brian in the best treatment plan possible.

That's really all I have to say about coping today. John and I plan to review the books we read, and the classes and support groups that we have attended, and may attend in the future. So stick around for that, and to check out more of the updates as I fill in the blog with more information. Links, other blogs, resources... that kind of thing.


 Hanging in there,

Welcome to our Journey

Names have been changed to protect privacy. This welcome post is also repeated on the About Us page.

Imagine you are a teenage boy at a prestigious prep school. You have an older sister in college, and that is where you're headed, too. Not just any college, but an academically challenging university that is difficult to get in. This is the path you are on, and all signs point toward success.

But something happens your freshman year, and you find yourself struggling academically, with a GPA at the end of that year that puts you on academic probation. Too late in the spring semester, after researching symptoms, it's discovered that you are suffering from ADHD, Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder.

With the support of your parents, new medications on board, and the help of an ADHD Coach, the path toward sophomore year promises to be less rocky. Your grades improve dramatically, and the academic probation is lifted. But there is an uneasiness in your life, and at the end of the school year, you confess that you feel addicted to the medication, you needed anti-depressants to help regulate the stimulants, and had had some suicidal thoughts.


Going cold turkey off the medication, you manage an internship during the summer, and devise a secret "plan" to keep the academic success going your junior year. You convince your parents that even though this path looks foggy, as they peer into the future, you are certain that it will be clear sailing.


No one suspected that a couple of months later, huge detour signs would be posted all over that path, and that by the end of the year, you had withdrawn from school, you had become psychotic, and hospitalized. And that finally, a diagnosis of Bipolar I had been made.


I'm the mother of this boy, no longer a teenager, but a 20-year-old young man struggling to come to grips with this unplanned detour in his life. His father and I are along for the ride, and while we can't begin to know what he is going through, our own hopes and dreams for him have taken a detour.

I'll be chronicling the journey into mental illness, not as a victim, but as the parent of a beloved son. Our journey is different than his, but no less a detour of our vision of the future. We have already begun, as has Brian, and I will share book reviews, resources, things that work and things that don't, both for him and for us. By doing this, I hope to come to a greater understanding of Bipolar Disorder specifically, and mental illness in general, and perhaps, in some small way, take away some of the stigma and shame that still surrounds a very real physical illness that happens to affect mental behavior.