RIP Amy Winehouse

Worry vs. Anxiety

I've been thinking a lot about the distinction between simply worrying and having anxiety, but in truth, linguistically speaking, they aren't that different in meaning. But in my mind, having a healthy concern for someone or a situation can be worlds apart from full blown anxiety. And, of course, everyone has a different propensity for worry/anxiety.

It's pretty well known, in my immediate family at least, that I am prone to be a worrier, and at times my worrying becomes, well, a more worrisome anxiety. And for me, having relatives dealing with mental illnesses, especially my son, my worrying has really been put to the test. One of the reasons for writing this blog, besides having family members be able to keep up with what's happening in an anonymous sort of way, is to explore how mental illness affects the whole family.

So, how have I dealt with this anxiety? I've seen my family doctor twice, and he has prescribed Xanax, which I only take in extremely anxiety producing times. I've been pretty successful in really only taking them as needed since becoming addicted to it is extremely easy, and that is worrying. He also prescribed an SSRI, which didn't seem effective, and the possibility of gaining weight was also worrying. I weaned off of it, and in hindsight, it did have a very subtle effect.

The second time I saw him, he went with Wellbutrin and it's just too soon to tell. Wellbutrin can help with focus among other things, and I do feel more able to stay on task, and a bit less distracted.

Psychcentral.com has excellent articles on anxiety, and even has an Anxiety Screening quiz which I took. My results indicated that I have mild to little anxiety. Excellent. Of course, that doesn't mean that I don't still worry and get anxious. When I told Brian the results, he said, "Good. I guess you just Momxiety."

That made me feel better. At least for now.

This, by the way, is the opposite of anxiety:

Trying to relax,

Sunday's Song

Slowly, slowly, I am returning to this blog.

The Diva Challenge Returns

As a break from the sad and depressing, I love to zentangle, and then share them here. I'm just really getting started, and love a challenge, hence participating in Diva challenge (you can see the link to it on my new Participating page). I've missed more than several weeks, but this seems like a good time to get back into it. In October, I'm heading to Providence, RI for a Zentangle seminar, so when I come back from that I'll be an expert. Hah! At the very least, I'll be able to explain what zentangle is more clearly to those who have never heard of it.

So, here's challenge #30:

 Is it weird that I like it better on the computer screen than on paper? Well, I do.

For a Change of Pace,

What Do You Say?

I've  tried writing this post day after day, and then week after week. I guess the best way to say what happened for me to stop writing so suddenly is to just tell the story.

On Monday, May 30, Brian's girlfriend committed suicide. No easy way to hear that news. She was a beautiful 20 year old young woman who had been diagnosed with bipolar I the preceding December. She had been hospitalized twice, once in November, and then once in December which is when and where she met Brian. She participated in about a week of outpatient treatment at the end of December, and then was to start a new semester in January at a local university, but withdrew about 2 days into the semester.

In late February she told her mother she was suicidal, and her parents took her to psychiatrists, and therapists, and she had 2 weeks of outpatient treatment through her HMO. I'm telling you this completely from my perspective and what I know, as I don't want to presume any of Brian's feelings about it.

I've gone back and forth about what I want to say about suicide, which actually is quite a lot. For now, though, I'll stick to "L"'s story.

Anyway, she didn't think too much about her outpatient therapy program, and from what I know, she continued to see doctors and therapists, and was prescribed medication. I know from Brian that once she stopped taking the meds because she didn't think they were working, and she didn't like the side effects, but she did start taking them again. From Brian I also know that they just couldn't find the right combination of meds to make her feel more stable, and she was quite depressed about the amount of weight she had gained.

In mid-April she and Brian both found part-time jobs at the same place, and worked together or on overlapping shifts almost every day. She was able to go to work most days, though sometimes felt too sick to go in. The week before she died, Brian saw her everyday, and he felt like she seemed pretty happy. Perhaps she had already decided on her suicide plan.

He didn't see her at all on the weekend, which was unusual, but Sunday she told him she thought she had the flu. Could he have talked her out of her plan if he had seen her in person? No one will ever know the answer to that question, and thankfully Brian doesn't feel like there was anything he could have done anyway. I am only speculating on the rest of the timeline, but she did overdose on her prescription meds sometime Sunday night/Monday morning. Her mother called Brian about noon on Monday.

Her parents had a service at their house on the following Thursday, June 2. It was a beautiful service, but the likes of which I hope never to have to attend again.

I think I'll stop there. I have posted a link over on the right from the Metanoia website that you should read if you are feeling suicidal.

Back to Posting

No pictures, no songs with this post, just a quick hello. There has been a lot going on since my last post, and lots going on in the detour department. That might just be an understatement. It's taken me awhile to process some of what's happened, but I want to share it nevertheless.

Tomorrow is John's birthday, so I'll write my first comeback post on Tuesday.

More later,